always the first to go

the first target in dictatorships, funding cuts, anti-intellectualism, and still i'm not firm in my stance

April 30, 2026

i still reckon with my fundamental importance, or lack thereof, as a budding musicologist and arts advocate and (perhaps) filmmaker. a syntax has been recurring in my circles, that "the arts are always the first to go." it's not a unique phrase, by any means, and it's derived from the unfortunate fact that the arts are deemed less important to society, and therefore falls on the top of the "cut" list whenever budget issues arise. it's not just a tight budget that cuts the arts, though; while i will comment on how the rise of authoritarianism usually coincides with a suppression of the arts, i do not feel that i am qualified to speak on this matter. just that the arts serve as a line of defense against single-minded societies, and invigorates individualities that make a country more thoughtful and, god forbid, critical!

and as much as i believe in the cruciality of the arts, my mental state sometimes tells me otherwise. my mind drifts to the metrics of necessity, and of course i'd compare myself to the default: medicine (!! i can't do this anymore !!). i fill my mind with data on doctor shortages nationwide and the ratio of PhDs to tenure jobs and i already feel slightly disposable. just another musicologist, just another humanities scholar. what should the universe do with her?!

i want to believe that i can be who i am, exactly who i am, musicologist and all, and the world will accept me as i am. but it's not with the same open arms as a medical doctor. why would i be, when i generate esoteric knowledge on esoteric fields, as opposed to a caduceus-bearing mind who revives those on the brink of death or relieves those in suffering?

the truth is that i want to help people and enrich their lives too. i just can't use that metric; i do not work with a medium that everyone will have or understand. i do not work with a universal set of parameters (e.g. everyone has a body, but not everyone knows what the hell an appoggiatura is), and not everyone will understand the work i do or why i do it. my boss illuminated a salient piece of wisdom, that "if you try to serve everyone, you serve no one." better something in this world than nothing left of my doings. because if i become something never meant for me, the shortage goes up by one out of a hundred thousand, but at the expense of my aliveness.

on the pursuit of aliveness

i've been getting better at it, or maybe it's just a symptom of my moral, creative, and values-based alignment with my surroundings and my work. i finally have some semblance of comprehension about what it means to "ask myself," because i had so many answers within me that i plainly ignored and suppressed. (of course, the result was not conducive to happiness.)

sometimes i feel most alive when i am alone in exploration. i feel myself drift across city streets and rural beaches like a life only i can witness. i felt flickers of it when i drove here in the rural midwest for the first time yesterday and noticed my appreciation for the unsophisticated long roads lined with arboreal shadows and lights. it was solidly 6pm, but the sun was still high up and looked like a 3pm in Los Angeles.