Blog Post

thirty-five

i don't know how soon 2038 really is

September 27, 2025

when i decided to write to my 35-year-old self today, i had to do the math; i will be 35 in 2038.

it seems so far-removed when it feels like the 2020's have consumed and gripped my life by the throat; i want to believe that the last 4-8 years are some of my most formative ones. and then i realize that we're closer to 2030 than the start of 2020 and my perception of life and time and lifespan is increasingly elusive to me.

i spent the letter describing my visions for people and place and health, but mostly, really, what i want to do. i want a balance between all the different aspects in me, doing what i love with people i love. it's a generic dream and i understand. i was surprised that i didn't spend most of my letter talking about the family i will one day choose; i have a vague vision of it, but i believe what is ultimately central to my life is what i spend my life doing. i do what i do for myself and for an undefined "society," so to speak...

there will always be too much i want to do and try and therefore i will never truly be a specialist. i can only be proficient at multiple things and never an expert in one thing; i could argue for an expertise in the interdisciplinary, which is what i hope to do now that i'm planning to apply to PhD programs next year.

a few days ago a former coworker from the electric utility company i interned for last year sent me a job listing for a senior role and told me to apply, but then noticed that i'm in the midwest. i looked at the posting; it asked for 5 years of production experience and pays over $90k. my stomach churned remembering how i felt in that corporation, under its drab ceiling tiles and performativity and brutalist building that isn't the artistic type of brutalist. the job i'm at right now doesn't pay me all that much, though i do get housing and meals, and i most importantly enjoy the work. but even if the salary of that role is over triple what i currently earn, you could not pay me 6 figures to go back there. i know i speak from a place of privilege and i'm at a relatively stable point, albeit temporarily, but if i plan to describe my life with liberating artistic reimaginations rather than corporate jargon, i might as well start now.

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people and things that inspired me to make art this week: