of the world

reflections on my solo trip and plans for my 20s

August 10, 2025

a solo trip invites transformation. i wander and wander and stumble upon the clouded hues of monet or saturated spaces of van gogh or the pristine silvery utensils in a dutch dollhouse and take the nyc subway at 4am, hood drawn, ready to be aggressive if situations demand. i never did have to be aggressive, thankfully. i learned that i'd rather stumble upon than find, that it's better to trust that a treasure will arrive rather than hunt for said treasure. the sought-out is often less satisfying. last week was my first time on the east coast, my first times in the bustling humid subways of new york and the beautiful walkable stations of boston, my first time visiting a friend in the hospital and getting flowers for him, first time staying in a hostel by myself.

my existence becomes phantom-like. i am a spirit simultaneously unattached to structure and married to the world. i become of the world in an absurdly ephemeral, almost senseless way, because i've been in this world for 22 years now and i'm witnessing the expansion of my own possibilities. on the same vein, i find myself wondering who i'd run into, my heart pounding at the possibility that the person across the museum hall is someone i knew but no longer desire to talk to.

the thought fades, but the feeling lingers. i no longer seek to remember everything. i hardly take photos in museums, except for artist bios and statements, because what is the point of a museum if not to witness an art in its full physicality? i will forget what i see. i treat museums more like a menu than a to-do list; i wander the maze-like halls of the MFA or Met and simply feel the pull of artworks past, succumb to the gravity of each exhibit and recognize each fleeting thought as a fleeting thought. some artworks will make indelible marks on me, but for most, i won't remember. it's not my job to remember.

The Defining Decade

i recently read the aforementioned book in one sitting (yesterday) and pondered about the trajectory of my life. i'm glad i found this book when i did (i only stumbled upon the title at the Strand in nyc with my friend, who's still deep in job search). and at the end of the book is a series of questions to gauge my sense of self. i'll provide excerpts of them here.

1. What are some defining moments you hope will happen by age 35?
haha...uh. not sure how realistic it is, but i hope to have my relationships/future family selected by that time. i hope i've made significant headway into producing my dream show. i hope to have selected a career path that is hopefully all-encompassing of my values and interests, be it teaching or writing or...who the hell knows.
2. Reflect on a time when life was uncertain for you. What did you expect to happen and what actually did end up happening?
getting rejected by all jobs i'd applied to earlier during my last semester of college. i felt like a failure of sorts; i was nothing without something to do. turns out, a break of nothingness was what was necessary for myself to find my footing and regain confidence in the types of work i wanted to do. funnily enough, yesterday, i found myself googling/searching on linkedin for the people who got the jobs i got rejected from. most of them were on the more experienced end of early career, like 2 years out of grad, with a lot more relevant experience accrued from the years. it makes total sense why i wasn't picked, but it felt so much more severe at the time.
3. If I had ten thousand hours to develop a habit, or to gain an area of expertise, what would it be?
maybe screenwriting. i want to produce my dream show. or to have an artist's cv of sorts as i learn to make art and installations (that's something i have no experience in).
4. Do you think you would like to have children?
ah! this is a hard one. yes...(?) in theory. am i unbelievably frightened by the pain? absolutely. would i adopt if i couldn't bear it? i suppose so. i lean towards yes, but i'm not always confident.
5. Make a rough plan for your life over the next ten years.
Visit China sometime in the near future, hopefully get a Fulbright, get a PhD (????) or work my way up jobs in arts administration (if the latter, i'd hope to be financially independent and hopefully living on my own/on the east coast, maybe Boston because Boston is so cool!), finish my pilot and submit/pitch it, write and make a feature film by applying to grants, get into a serious relationship and...idk if 10 years will do, but get married and move in with a partner, continue volunteering for nonprofits and media arts and radio. Agh!
6. Write a letter to your 35-year-old self. Now, have your 35-year-old self write a letter to who you are now.
i'm gonna do that somewhere else.