my broken compass

July 16, 2025

i am happy to report that i got a part-time arts advocacy internship for the fall and now i have guaranteed income (albeit not a lot) until December. i am not happy to report that although i had hope for an orchestra admin position, i did not get a full-time offer. (why does this feel so impossible?)

i feel like this has been the theme of all my posts since i made this blog; i think i am cognizant of my "broken compass," so to say, that somehow i made myself believe that i am only lovable if i have a stable job and career. an unfortunate belief given my tendency to compare myself to the other really competitive and high-achieving peers in my class. except i took the selfish route of incorporating my passion because i know i'd sooner die than work for another corporation. it honestly feels like death. so what would i choose -- live my life with the discomfort of not making large amounts of money but still do work i believe in? or live half a life without feeling so much unnecessary guilt opening my wallet? *i don't even necessarily think i'm broke, either. my friend argues that "broke is a mindset," and to some extent, i agree. it's unfortunate that i'm essentially living my early 20s the way people out of their 20s would tell their younger selves NOT to. i can't help it! maybe we all can't!

and no, my parents don't mind. (which is kind of insane because yes, i am asian!) the only one guilting me is MYSELF. i called my mom (who's in china at the moment) about feeling like a financial burden to the family out of college and she said that i'm giving myself too much pressure. my aunt greeted me over the phone and said that i have no need to rush (she has two sons in their 30s who still live under her roof). i ran into my old violin teacher on a walk today (a very serendipitous reunion) and he said the same thing. WHAT DO I DO?!

i feel like every time i swear to anchor myself to a set of beliefs, it never works. anchoring to thoughts don't work because that's like trying to stay still in the ocean. i don't really know what exactly to anchor myself to. everything i want or feel seems rather ephemeral.