Blog Post

i am a fire

July 8, 2025

my friends and i perform an annual tradition of a festive dinner and fireworks every year on fourth of July and this year's felt refreshing to an inexplicable degree. (yes, even though none of us were feeling all that patriotic with the signing of the BBB...) it felt exactly like the one from last year and the one from three years ago (two years ago i was not in town) and it's as if nothing has changed but everything has also changed. we burn sketches into the concrete outside my driveway and make "touch tips" jokes as we light each others sparklers and i watch my flames thrum with life, then wilt and fizzle out completely. i'd throw the burnt sticks into the puddle beside the curb and listen to the wood clatter against concrete. that night i'd placed my hand on my heart and felt my heart beat with a fragility i'd witnessed with the flame. i am a fire, and i will die.

where am i now? i think my mental state has improved significantly compared to a month or two ago and it has been so necessary for me to do nothing. the practice of comparison has become anathema to me, at least in theory, until i receive a win of sorts and suddenly this practice becomes a short-lived ego boost. i still do it. i can't help it.

i still have no plan for the extended future but it feels less alienating to know that my friends are here for me regardless of whether they have a plan or not. it's also comforting to know that during the semester, when i was frantically applying to jobs left and right, even the jobs i had no interest in performing, i got 6 interviews. during the break, i only applied to jobs i wanted to do, and so far, within these past 2 months, i did 5 interviews. still waiting on 3 to get back to me. a pretty good rate thus far, and i've become a lot less desperate, it seems.

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