turbulence

May 4, 2025

i'm in my college's coffeehouse but instead i feel like i'm in an airport, waiting for a gate to be announced for a flight that may or may not be delayed. in the airport, i'm traveling solo in a separate timezone and while there are classmates around me right now, we're all boarding separate flights to separate destinations to begin our lives anew. the airport is a space of uncertainty, stress, transition, hope, sadness, longing, but i'm not about to board a flight home. on the other side of the flight, i have made no arrangements; there will be no one to pick me up; i must navigate a public transportation system unbeknownst to me. we're still in the airport, but we're all about to leave.

i think about all the people i am leaving behind and those i have left behind and those i have forgotten about and all i can think about is whether how long we'd remain in contact, or whether this is the last time i'd contact them. i think about the people who left my life and whether it was worth it. the person i'd miss the most, ironically, is myself, even if i'm always within myself and bringing her along to every stage of my life, but the Isabel in undergrad will never truly resurface again because Isabel will never be in undergrad again.

i think about all the people i have yet to meet and whether i'd be able to foster such close connections with them, the way i'd done during college. they aren't real to me, not yet, just a confused blend of desires and ideas, in the same way a job or career path has not been made concrete to my senses.

i'm terrified because here, in college, i feel like there's nothing i can't do. my life has burgeoned because of the liberal arts and the people and the activities i perform here, because i truly feel powerful in the presence of such encouragement. but there's a reason commencement is called commencement; the true forms of life only occur afterwards, and it's as if college is a home i need to leave in order to grow. i love identifying as a "student" because everyone's a student within the institution and that identity does not change. but job titles do, and by extension, so does my identity; i want to be as multifaceted as i am right now but i know, and i know, that i will change. i'll realize that i've been striving for the wrong things because that's happened about 4 times over the past 4 years; i wonder if there's ever a time when my life will become less turbulent and i'll be completely sure of who i am and where i'm meant to be.

so yeah, i'm in an airport waiting for a gate to be called, and i don't know my destination or what i'll do after. but i must get on the plane and face the turbulence head-on because that's what life is, i suppose.