shatter

April 5, 2025

time might be shapeless but it's amorphous enough to be imagined as an amorphous shape, disjointed with gaps of sleep and memory loss and unconsciousness just to be reconfigured with the strings of reality tying us back from daydreams and nightmares. i sit here a month and a half before graduation and i have no idea where i'm going to be after graduation. it's like college apps all over again but this time there truly is never a guarantee i'd have some institution to be affiliated with and anything i do is self-inflicted but also in the hands of those behind walls, behind discussions of interview panels and good luck's. now, time feels faster and heavier because there are stakes and strings attached, and i'm not sure enough about who i am or what the best courses of action are besides to revel in the fact that i'm young and should enjoy life. if someone tells me that, i would immerse myself in the time around me, displacing me, and simply note down all the thoughts that cross my mind. i simply am not programmed to enjoy life right this second. i am young and i am worried about who i might become and where i might be -- or not be.

thursday morning i received a phone bill of my phone from study abroad a year ago and it was the perfect alarm to get me out of bed. i had overdue fees. not an exorbitant amount, but i fear debt and the ties of being indebted to something, even if it were a continent away. i am not free until i get this sorted out.

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i think i've been slipping. i've been privileged to be at a college consortium that has rather flexible deadlines; i take deadlines seriously, of course, but recently every time i see anything i am obligated to do, i procrastinate and put it off instead. it's gotten to the point where i've just realized that the end-of-semester student recitals are full and i might not be able to perform the concerto i've been meaning to perform all this time. i hope they make an exception for me.

i feel like the glass is starting to break and it's filled to the brim of the brim and a few more drops and it might shatter irreparably and a tap and it might crumble unimaginably