back in the pandemic, i'd ask my dad every day when he returned for work if there was any mail from my penpal for me. when i'd asked my penpals to send mail to my home address instead, i'd wait for the mailman to show up, then to stick my hand into the mail slot if i was too lazy to get the key for any signs of decorated mail. then i realized that usps has a mail notification email they send every day, so i'd check that instead (except they don't have pictures of non-machinable mail, which is mostly what i'm looking for). this incessant waiting is my new gamble method. without the reloading of social media, i'm reloading my email. all the damn time.

waiting well is almost a radical exercise. it has a perceived connotation of waste to it, as if there was nothing better to do, the way you might at a bus stop or doctor's office. you might try to harness that waiting time by doing homework that's due in several days or texting a friend who happens to be online -- a distraction from the real wait, perhaps. on one hand, you want to live in the present; on the other hand, the present feels provisional, as if it were asking for permission from a greater anticipated event.

i did not get any updates from post-grad opportunities today. I'm WAITING, I swear. patience does not matter anymore; patient or not, i cannot speed up the pace at which a hiring manager does or doesn't select me. though i did get selected to paint a mural at my college's bike shop, hooray! never occurred to me that i wanted a way to leave a mark at my college, tangibly and visibly, more than the signature on the garden wall that all seniors do. i get a mural -- i realize i've never designed and painted one properly before. i've entered some competitions in elementary school, got rejected from the ones there, and now i'm here, just before i exit undergrad, doing a little Starry Night-inspired painting in the basement of my college. surprises can be created; worlds can be built. (i'm still waiting for them to approve the budget to paint it, though. lmfao.)