job search has my head spinning because it's spring break and this is a first time in a while i've spent hours on end searching for the sparse handful of jobs i might remotely even have a chance at getting. i'm really sick of all these chances i take to no avail. my failures have been getting to me. it's discouraging because i know i'll probably be fine and if i can summon me, two years in the future, to come talk to me, she'd probably tell me that i'll find something but i need to be patient.

yes, patience. i did an interview yesterday for a remote internship that i think went well but again, i need to wait. i'm constantly waiting for the next thing to happen, aren't i? this is what happens when i'm at home instead of a place where i can feel like i'm part of a system that truly needs me. being at home makes me feel trapped. sure, i feel safe, but only to an extent. i feel so disgustingly bored sometimes that all i can think of is who i can become. a place is not for me when i look forward to not being the person i am while still in it.

and then i realize how specialized the world is for a generalist like me. i can do so much but also so little at the same time. it's difficult to know how things will end up and i still feel the aches and twinges of loneliness when i'm not in my ideal environment, when i'm very much single. it's good that there's no fast-forwarding and taking shortcuts because every single pain in the process is, to an extent, necessary.

now that i'm off social media i find myself refreshing my email the same way i'd once refresh my home feed. sometimes there's something new and most of the time there's junk and nothingness. i'm waiting for an email for an interview or an offer or an opportunity because i truly have exhausted myself searching for them.