Blog Post

i could love a career that does not love me back. if that were the case, then i do not truly love my career; i only love the idea of it.

it could be rather absurd to think of career paths as a relationship with another person but the analogy surprisingly stands when i consider how i am being treated, whether i feel like myself, whether i can grow.

manifestation is a type of delusion, maybe. something i'm scared of and can't tell myself why i feel this particular way is that i have a fear of one day becoming permanently ill and dying before i truly die. and then death would be true liberation and i'd think of all the chances i'd have to save myself before that i refused to take. i'm healthy right now and my family doesn't have a history of serious illnesses but i feel like my mom's paranoia (and her personal experiences being sick, temporarily) has rubbed off in a way that's made me wary.

again i feel lonely because what else can i feel but myself? a rush of wanting for perhaps something else that's more than just whether i can achieve the next best thing for my education or career. as much as i appreciate the friends i have here at school, i don't feel like i have the friendships that are as deep and tight-knit as the ones i've had from high school. i'm not anyone's best friend because that honorary position belongs to someone else. if "best friend" refers to the most intimate of friendships, then i'm afraid i can't characterize anyone as being my best friend in general. i only have what i believe to be close, long-lasting friendships that will (hopefully) last a lifetime, because i've been friends with some of these people since middle school now.

ANYWAY!!

Because I'm no longer on Instagram and don't feel to need to announce my life events to 600 people, the majority of whom I do not care about, I'll talk about my life events here because...why not!