it might be a relief to know that i'm still 21 and i'm thinking about what really matters in life. maybe this is where i truly live effectively, the way i want to live and impact others.

i went abroad for a semester at a film conservatory last spring (2024). the week before i left for Europe, i spent my time watching films to review on Letterboxd. i'd declared myself a film girl and insisted on committing to the path of cinema and filmmaking and potential awards. it didn't occur to me at the time, but i was watching films not because i genuinely enjoyed the films at that point. rather, i watched films like required readings, forcing myself to accept antiquated cinematic language as meaningful and evocative. like all social media platforms, Letterboxd became not a space for me to log a genuine diary, but a space to show off the literature i'd engaged with. each movie i'd watched made me somehow more and more anxious as i asked myself why i wasn't enjoying the process. i couldn't accept that i didn't enjoy film to the degree i wished i did.

i suppose i'm writing this post as a letter of justification for why i'm taking a break from Letterboxd for a while. the site has gamified watching films into comparing numbers, something i've been trying to steer free of (on all platforms). in all honesty, i first made the app because the first guy i'd met on hinge, a doppelganger of sorts, was a filmmaker-violinist who also had the app. my ex and i met and bonded because of letterboxd as well. i realized i didn't need the app as much as i thought, and looking back, i don't think i've truly enjoyed a movie after i got letterboxd to the extent that i had from before.

yesterday i had a long conversation with a friend (A!) about the value of college and being comfortable with isolation outside of one's hometown. i don't see myself returning to the little bubble i once called home, and i've changed far too much to want to reengage with that type of environment. it's a similar phenomenon with social media. i can safely say that i do not identify with the culture on Instagram, the same way i do not identify with the culture on TikTok or BeReal (hence why i don't have those apps).

i truly don't think numbers on social media matter at all. it's easy for me to say that now, once i've held it at a distance, but a number is all too recognizable. numbers exist for comparison and calculation, and i hate how numerical online personas have become. (again, hence why i'm here on a vernacular handmade site. i try not to visit my neocities profile/homepage too much, either. no one can control numbers. all i can control is my own profile, and i'm not here for a grand audience.)

due to recent changes in digital habits -- including quitting Instagram, it truly does feel like the stage of cleaning the house when i deconstruct everything and empty clutters from the shelves, just for the clutters to inhabit the floor and make everything unwalkable. it's messy but at least i know i'm making some semblance of progress.

on that note, i remembered something my grandfather showed me two years ago, when i visited him for the last time. he'd pulled out a sketchy birthday card/drawing that i'd given him as a gift as a child. simply black ink bunnies with disproportionate bodies and jagged lines. i don't remember making it at all, but he'd saved it for all those years like a treasure. "有钱都买不到!" he said. ("You can't get this even with all the money in the world!")

he understood the value of life and human connection. i'm only starting to understand the scope of that value.