it's possibly due to the fact that i've always tried to be a bit different from my peers all my life, but it seems as if every decision that i make (and mind you, as a college senior, this is the type of stuff that's always on my mind) has to contribute to my identity as someone who is "unique" to some capacity. slightly absurd. that's perhaps the reason i'd dread working a corporate job, even if i know that they tend to pay more. i don't want to disappear into a cubicle and represent a big body -- a corporeal entity -- that i don't admire. perhaps that's why i prefer something smaller, perhaps a nonprofit, but i still want to preserve myself. professors are known for this -- they can publish their own work and do their own research; i am considering academia as a serious choice in the future. it does come with its own set of challenges.

in my own personal diary at home, i've written long-winded rants about the singularity of identities and labels -- of becoming one thing. although everyone serves more than one role in society, this "one" label often seems to be a marker of one's status...one's career success, for example. it's difficult to explain to others what you do when you're multifaceted and interdisciplinary and your label takes more than a couple syllables to even summarize. i'm probably unsure of who i am at the moment. i think i've accepted that i'll never truly be 100% sure, given how much i change my mind. my goals keep shifting.

the other day i asked my professor about whether my research paper needs to state facts or make an argument. the answer was almost too obvious; i've been taught to write argumentative "essays" all throughout elementary and middle and high school. all the research papers i read are argumentative papers.

i don't speak like i'm arguing. i hate arguing. when all of my lived experiences are just that -- mine -- i refrain from imposing my beliefs in the form of absolutes. i grew up in an environment of inflexible absolutes: "if you go into STEM you'll never make a living," "in order to be successful you must get perfect grades," etc. etc. and i believe that being raised in that type of environment has shaped me into a fundamentally submissive person. the doors to my heart and mind are just a bit too open; i'm so easily swayed. not that i believe that my flexibility in beliefs is a bad thing -- "open-mindedness" is a gift -- but making a statement to have others refute it might break me a little bit. or maybe it wouldn't. maybe that's why i choose the nichest things to research because it is niche, so any contrary motions will be from people who have nothing better to do than research in my general direction. though now that i think of it, that might be a good thing, too. only through different perspectives can knowledge really bloom.